13.Blood Thicker Than Water

Dear Officer:

I’d like to press charges.  I’m the victim.  ABANDONED when I was a little girl.  EXPOSED to a life of Money Laundering and Drug Trafficking.  EXPLOITED by the FBI.  They have snapped hundreds of pictures of me and I am now part of a file that sits on their desk and is revisited every couple of years.  (Explains why I love posing for the camera).  ALIENATED as the girl that grew up in a single parent home.  EXCLUDED from those special father/daughter events such as graduation, wedding and birth of my children.  DISTRAUGHT from my emotions and WOUNDED with deep seated scars aimed at the heart.  DAMAGED, DECEIVED, DEPRIVED, FORGOTTEN. 

Dear Daddy:   

Look at me now!  I’ve made it this far without you!  Your sweet little girl has gone sour.  I remember the Racist remarks you had against my husband.  I remember the day you slapped my face and called me a Bitch.  I remember your preference of choosing my brother and kicking me to the side.  Growing up Father-less has infused my self destructive habits, has had an effect on my poor love relationships, inability to trust, and changed my emotional perspective.  I do have compassion and understand you faced many challenges in your life.  I thank you for crossing paths with my mom and blessing her with your seed.  Those little swimmers make some pretty awesome kids.  I have children now of my own and I am cutting out the pattern I grew up with. " The Heart That Truly Loves Never Forgets".

Dear Officer:  

 I have CONARTIST genes but I’d be only fooling myself if I keep blaming my childhood for my actions today.  I stand here today in front of the jury to testify of my new Will, Power and Self Control.  I am the decision maker of my actions, not my past.  I do have daddy issues but  Forgiveness is over rated.  There are people in your life today that deserve more respect and love from you than people who are entitled to Forgiveness because blood is thicker than water.  I’m dropping the charges.  I’m all grown up and I choose to let go.  

12. Hot Topic

My Dearest Friend Kanwal and one of the most Motivating Brilliant people I know has an Amazing Blog to Check Out!! We have done the workout Insanity together, the BPC Cleanse, and recently the Cinch Life-Style. 

She is my go to girl for Recipes, Tips and Ideas in the Kitchen.  She makes cooking fun, fast and super easy. 

Check her blog out!

 http://www.kanwalskitchen.blogspot.com/

11. Thin Line

Dancing is self expression without words.  A release of energy that makes me feel untouchable! Unstoppable!  Music & Dancing is a Universal Language and has become my outlet this year.  I took on running last year but lately Zumba has fulfilled my physical appetite.   I’ve been attending Zumba class twice a week.  My schedule permits an hour to work out three to four times a week.  Therefore, that hour needs to be intense, challenging, fun and calorie efficient.  Two weeks ago, I had the worse substitute in Zumba class.  Boy, was I not only pissed with the waste of a work out but I felt a Spark. Inspiration came knocking at my feet.

Not all shoes are created equal.  Please don’t go to Zumba with your running sneakers. It’s just not cute or beneficial to the dance technique.  I wore my running shoes for the first three classes and I felt Frumpy and slow on my moves.  I’m a HUGE FAN of Asics so I purchased the Asics Corrido.  Super light, very comfortable, roomy for my Wide Feet, and super sleek and sexy.  It made a big difference on my performance level.  It just did!

It’s an epic time in my life and I am playing with the idea of becoming Fairfield’s best Zumba Instructor.  Ok, “ni pa tanto” but I have the desire to teach Zumba.  Bottom line, I want to give someone else that sparkle.  I want to explore my body’s capacity and endurance to learn a new language and be able to translate it to the world.  I had a random girl come up to me at the end of class and said, “You really kept me going today.  You’re amazing and I enjoyed watching you over the substitute teacher”.  My reaction--smile from ear to ear.  You are about to witness my thought process to determine if I should obtain the Zumba certification.  It’s significant to convince both myself and Michael.  Participating in a new hobby or possibly the beginning of a new career would take time and money away from the family and I really have to weigh my decisions.  Teaching this class is not a lucrative job ($15-20p/h); it would be to simply fulfill a desire and to check off another great accomplishment in my lifetime.  Is this all worth the tradeoff? 

“The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget her weaknesses”.  Here goes and notice how I have one of the most contradicting personalities: 1. Improving Self Image is a given.  2. I am sincerely shy but very social.  3. I can make friends easily but I’m not outspoken.  4. I am very opinionated but I never enter a debate, to each his own, has been my attitude.  5.  I work hard but I always do a Half Ass Job.   6. Last but not least, I absolutely cannot manage anyone and cannot tell people what to do.  Not in my nature.  So I am thinking... Zumba will work and reinforce all of my weakness.  I will feel empowered and driven by the energy. Mind, body, soul will be stronger.  Lastly, I will witness how influential I really can become and that lil me can make a Big difference.

Seen by my eyes, taken with my Cam

I’ve convinced myself already but the only one stopping me here is Michael.  WHAT! a non supporting husband?  Not on the same page? not encouraging my dream? He has pointed out that it would relatively take almost four months for me to make up the upfront costs.  I would need to figure out childcare to work part time in addition to my full time job and it would definitely take time away from the family.  I understand him and also recognize he has not pursued many dreams as well in the name of our family.  I will compromise to hold off till the end of summer to re-evaluate where we are at the time.  But once again, this decision will be a thin line between my personal advantage, my passion, self love and my responsibilities as a Mother.  Always a trade-off when you’re a mom.  An internal struggle of your full potential vs. responsibilities aka sacrifices.  For now my balance will be to enjoy Zumba as a student and prepare to be engaged and completely committed to my new calling, one day…..

9. Turning Back the Wheel of Time

I recently was asked an Incredible Moment Defining Question.  I had my Best Friends over the house and we were playing a game where each person writes down general questions you want your friends to answer and you toss them in a bowl.  I’ve know my best friends for 14 years and I learned that night that the best part of a friendship just like in any relationship is that no matter how many years go by you can still be surprised in Amazing ways.

My turn, few Mojitos in, my question:  If I can go back in time would I have married my other half and at such a young age? Wow! Take it in, Breathe, Here goes it gets deep.

The question itself couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m facing the biggest contradiction there is right now in my life -- how does a Parent attempt to re-invent themselves? I’m reflecting on all the things I want to do with my time but held back by the choices I made earlier in life.  Let’s throw the word Selfish out the window since becoming a parent is the most selfless act there is in the world.  So I’m thinking of the question and my mind starts to remind me of the opportunities I want to pursue:  a career in fitness/nutrition, travel abroad, learn 5 languages, become a Zumba Instructor, take singing lessons (I’m tone deaf), party in Ibiza, live out at sea, countless cause the show in my mind always goes on…..  One of my weaknesses is my lack of patience.  Technically speaking I can accomplish all these things but I just need to wait a few years.   “Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count.” (R.Anthony)   

I met Mike, aka my Soul Mate, at a defining moment in my life, being raised in a single parent home and I was lacking a Male figure in my life.  I was 13 and I fell in love for the first time and last time.  He was my prince charming that came to my rescue and saved me from facing the awkward stage of adolescence and the cruel reality of my life during that time.  I lived and breathed Michael.  My world revolved around US.  Our first Spring Break came around in college and I invited him to travel along with me on a girl’s trip.  Throw up in your mouth yet? Lol Ok, for one I would definitely go back in time and change that part, lol.  We did grow apart for a bit but we always found our way back to each other.  Not to mention all the beautiful things that came from our togetherness. 

 

On a side note that would be my TOP relationship advice to all couples: always grow together. Be on the Same Beat. 

So I answered my best friends:  “If I had the opportunity to go back in time I wouldn’t have married Michael back then.  GASP!  I would have married him now.  How awesome would it be if I could live a parallel life like in a FRINGE episode?  Turning back the Wheel of Time doesn’t change the fact that Mike and I are meant for each other and hopefully through this outlet I will learn the virtue of patience.  Instead of focusing on the list of things to accomplish back when I was single I need to create new challenges and opportunities that reflect who I am as a person today.  I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister and I will continue to be a whole lot of things.  I will walk along the foot prints of my boys...

1. To Infinity and Beyond

There are days I wish I was built with a Demo button--switch me off and on.  Or the ability to reboot in a matter of seconds when it's only 10:30 a.m. and it feels like "Wait, isn't it bedtime already?"  I feel like the past five years have sped away and I'm losing myself in between the minutes and hours of the day. 

Here is a glimpse of the past 14 years of my life.  I come from a very Dysfunctional home, your ordinary now a days but not so ordinary upbringing.  I have a brother, three half sister, two step-sisters, one step brother, one step-father and two step-mother's. Are you still following?  I come from a Spanish (Colombian) background and I celebrate all the Jewish Holidays.  Which reminds me Passover is coming soon and the Easter Bunny will be joining us on our annual Egg Hunt.

I met Michael, my husband when I was 14 yr's old, a Freshman in High School.  He is two years older than me.  We enjoyed our teenage years together.  We both finished college and I got married when I was 22, February 2005.  We bought an apartment in Queens, NY and Mastered a 5 year plan.  A glimpse of our five year plan was to work work work, travel travel travel and buy a home five years later and then plan a family.  Well that lovely picture turned backwards on us when I found out I was pregnant on his birthday December 2005.  Wait a minute, me pregnant?! I was just diagnosed with PCOS and the GYN claimed I had infertility issues the summer of 2005.  A true blessing from God, I named my son Nathaniel Pryce, a strong gift from God. 

Once I gave birth, I started to work from home three days a week and I had the best of both worlds.  A true balance between a working mom and a stay at home mom. I still have that schedule and flexibility and thank God because it keeps me grounded and sane.  Two years later on Michael's birthday, AGAIN, we found out i was Prego.  Hmmm... my balanced life became a turmoil in my mind.  I was really content with one child.  And yes both boys birthday's are in August.  November is a very scary Fertile month. Jayce Matthew was born and my five year plan really became KuPlunk.  I love my boys and family with everything I have but one thing changed drastically.  FUN was slowly draining out of me.  Between working, nurturing, feeding, cleaning, chores, moving, a husband, working out, a social life and the etc.'s I feel like I am losing my identity. 

I had a great role model in my life, my mom.  As a single mom, she worked two-three jobs, learned English, went to college and taught me the meaning of saving money for the hard times.  She literally gave herself up to bring up my brother and I in America.  Oh the American Dream!!  I've taken all the positives from her experience and really grasped the hardworking part of it all but I want to change one thing.  Some of you might consider it selfish but I want to keep discovering myself and not just identify myself as a working mother.  I want to keep feeling passionate about my life and continue to grow without having to wait until I'm 40 and my kids are off in college.  Now 40 is relatively young but I want to create a balance between my own identity, as a wife and a mother.  Hey, we are all Super Mom's but I have doubts. 

This blog is my mental, physical and emotional outlet.  Hobbies are too expensive right now since we purchased a home.  My new goal in my fast paced life is to take a beat.  Appreciate the small laughs and smiles we all have in common.  I want to write about happy moments because I don't believe in a a state of happiness.  I'll blog about new recipes, new commercial products, a kids corner, savvy shopping ideas, new songs for your workouts, new opportunities and just my journey in this not so ordinary world where we all Live.   Mostly i want this to be an outlet to shift and change my attitude.  I want to fill up my half empty glass.  Well here goes, to Infinity and Beyond.