15. Delete Button

The secret to life is friendship.  The relationships I have with my best friends are sacred and sincere.  People have come and go and I love & appreciate those that have never left my side.

In my dreams, I am starring down a big Whirlpool.  One by one, I see people in my life now being extinguished down the pipes.  Once all the water is drained and everyone is gone I feel an inner tranquility.  Give and Take, Come and Go, Use and Abuse, Not Here Not There—sadly we see these relationships every day in our lives including friendships.  In my reality, there are people who are weak that are holding me back from strengthening my inner backbone.  It’s become a true challenge to figure out who in my life wants me to succeed, overcome, and take the SPOTLIGHT here and there.  I’ve currently experienced hardship and disappointments with relationships.  The saying “Misery Luvs Company” never gets old.

I have allowed TOXIC people in my life justifying the relationship with the memories and history we have built together. I’ve been resistant to admit that the past is not strong enough to hold on to the future anymore.    

I had a complex in which I wanted to be liked by everyone and disliked by no-one.  Therefore my standards were low and I allowed too many unnecessary faces in my life.  I downplayed myself by acting very naïve, somewhat innocent and now I feel like my character is misinterpreted.  Today I will boldly say “Not anymore!”  Present and aware.  Savvy and Intuitive, I am here.

Now that I have kids I realize that I can't have low standards with who I allow in my life.  Understanding the true meaning of friendships I realize these faces have to go because aside from the past we share no common grounds.  

Face book is a culprit.  Example, I receive a friend request.  How do I know you? HS, College, friend of a friend etc.  Do you really care about me or do you just care to add a number to your friend list.  “Who you know vs. who knows you” makes a big difference to keep in mind. 

I’ll be doing a little spring cleaning these next few days.

Moving forward with the DELETE button in all aspects of my life.  I will live happily ever after, not alone but with my right faces.

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget"(g.r) 

13.Blood Thicker Than Water

Dear Officer:

I’d like to press charges.  I’m the victim.  ABANDONED when I was a little girl.  EXPOSED to a life of Money Laundering and Drug Trafficking.  EXPLOITED by the FBI.  They have snapped hundreds of pictures of me and I am now part of a file that sits on their desk and is revisited every couple of years.  (Explains why I love posing for the camera).  ALIENATED as the girl that grew up in a single parent home.  EXCLUDED from those special father/daughter events such as graduation, wedding and birth of my children.  DISTRAUGHT from my emotions and WOUNDED with deep seated scars aimed at the heart.  DAMAGED, DECEIVED, DEPRIVED, FORGOTTEN. 

Dear Daddy:   

Look at me now!  I’ve made it this far without you!  Your sweet little girl has gone sour.  I remember the Racist remarks you had against my husband.  I remember the day you slapped my face and called me a Bitch.  I remember your preference of choosing my brother and kicking me to the side.  Growing up Father-less has infused my self destructive habits, has had an effect on my poor love relationships, inability to trust, and changed my emotional perspective.  I do have compassion and understand you faced many challenges in your life.  I thank you for crossing paths with my mom and blessing her with your seed.  Those little swimmers make some pretty awesome kids.  I have children now of my own and I am cutting out the pattern I grew up with. " The Heart That Truly Loves Never Forgets".

Dear Officer:  

 I have CONARTIST genes but I’d be only fooling myself if I keep blaming my childhood for my actions today.  I stand here today in front of the jury to testify of my new Will, Power and Self Control.  I am the decision maker of my actions, not my past.  I do have daddy issues but  Forgiveness is over rated.  There are people in your life today that deserve more respect and love from you than people who are entitled to Forgiveness because blood is thicker than water.  I’m dropping the charges.  I’m all grown up and I choose to let go.  

11. Thin Line

Dancing is self expression without words.  A release of energy that makes me feel untouchable! Unstoppable!  Music & Dancing is a Universal Language and has become my outlet this year.  I took on running last year but lately Zumba has fulfilled my physical appetite.   I’ve been attending Zumba class twice a week.  My schedule permits an hour to work out three to four times a week.  Therefore, that hour needs to be intense, challenging, fun and calorie efficient.  Two weeks ago, I had the worse substitute in Zumba class.  Boy, was I not only pissed with the waste of a work out but I felt a Spark. Inspiration came knocking at my feet.

Not all shoes are created equal.  Please don’t go to Zumba with your running sneakers. It’s just not cute or beneficial to the dance technique.  I wore my running shoes for the first three classes and I felt Frumpy and slow on my moves.  I’m a HUGE FAN of Asics so I purchased the Asics Corrido.  Super light, very comfortable, roomy for my Wide Feet, and super sleek and sexy.  It made a big difference on my performance level.  It just did!

It’s an epic time in my life and I am playing with the idea of becoming Fairfield’s best Zumba Instructor.  Ok, “ni pa tanto” but I have the desire to teach Zumba.  Bottom line, I want to give someone else that sparkle.  I want to explore my body’s capacity and endurance to learn a new language and be able to translate it to the world.  I had a random girl come up to me at the end of class and said, “You really kept me going today.  You’re amazing and I enjoyed watching you over the substitute teacher”.  My reaction--smile from ear to ear.  You are about to witness my thought process to determine if I should obtain the Zumba certification.  It’s significant to convince both myself and Michael.  Participating in a new hobby or possibly the beginning of a new career would take time and money away from the family and I really have to weigh my decisions.  Teaching this class is not a lucrative job ($15-20p/h); it would be to simply fulfill a desire and to check off another great accomplishment in my lifetime.  Is this all worth the tradeoff? 

“The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget her weaknesses”.  Here goes and notice how I have one of the most contradicting personalities: 1. Improving Self Image is a given.  2. I am sincerely shy but very social.  3. I can make friends easily but I’m not outspoken.  4. I am very opinionated but I never enter a debate, to each his own, has been my attitude.  5.  I work hard but I always do a Half Ass Job.   6. Last but not least, I absolutely cannot manage anyone and cannot tell people what to do.  Not in my nature.  So I am thinking... Zumba will work and reinforce all of my weakness.  I will feel empowered and driven by the energy. Mind, body, soul will be stronger.  Lastly, I will witness how influential I really can become and that lil me can make a Big difference.

Seen by my eyes, taken with my Cam

I’ve convinced myself already but the only one stopping me here is Michael.  WHAT! a non supporting husband?  Not on the same page? not encouraging my dream? He has pointed out that it would relatively take almost four months for me to make up the upfront costs.  I would need to figure out childcare to work part time in addition to my full time job and it would definitely take time away from the family.  I understand him and also recognize he has not pursued many dreams as well in the name of our family.  I will compromise to hold off till the end of summer to re-evaluate where we are at the time.  But once again, this decision will be a thin line between my personal advantage, my passion, self love and my responsibilities as a Mother.  Always a trade-off when you’re a mom.  An internal struggle of your full potential vs. responsibilities aka sacrifices.  For now my balance will be to enjoy Zumba as a student and prepare to be engaged and completely committed to my new calling, one day…..

9. Turning Back the Wheel of Time

I recently was asked an Incredible Moment Defining Question.  I had my Best Friends over the house and we were playing a game where each person writes down general questions you want your friends to answer and you toss them in a bowl.  I’ve know my best friends for 14 years and I learned that night that the best part of a friendship just like in any relationship is that no matter how many years go by you can still be surprised in Amazing ways.

My turn, few Mojitos in, my question:  If I can go back in time would I have married my other half and at such a young age? Wow! Take it in, Breathe, Here goes it gets deep.

The question itself couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m facing the biggest contradiction there is right now in my life -- how does a Parent attempt to re-invent themselves? I’m reflecting on all the things I want to do with my time but held back by the choices I made earlier in life.  Let’s throw the word Selfish out the window since becoming a parent is the most selfless act there is in the world.  So I’m thinking of the question and my mind starts to remind me of the opportunities I want to pursue:  a career in fitness/nutrition, travel abroad, learn 5 languages, become a Zumba Instructor, take singing lessons (I’m tone deaf), party in Ibiza, live out at sea, countless cause the show in my mind always goes on…..  One of my weaknesses is my lack of patience.  Technically speaking I can accomplish all these things but I just need to wait a few years.   “Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count.” (R.Anthony)   

I met Mike, aka my Soul Mate, at a defining moment in my life, being raised in a single parent home and I was lacking a Male figure in my life.  I was 13 and I fell in love for the first time and last time.  He was my prince charming that came to my rescue and saved me from facing the awkward stage of adolescence and the cruel reality of my life during that time.  I lived and breathed Michael.  My world revolved around US.  Our first Spring Break came around in college and I invited him to travel along with me on a girl’s trip.  Throw up in your mouth yet? Lol Ok, for one I would definitely go back in time and change that part, lol.  We did grow apart for a bit but we always found our way back to each other.  Not to mention all the beautiful things that came from our togetherness. 

 

On a side note that would be my TOP relationship advice to all couples: always grow together. Be on the Same Beat. 

So I answered my best friends:  “If I had the opportunity to go back in time I wouldn’t have married Michael back then.  GASP!  I would have married him now.  How awesome would it be if I could live a parallel life like in a FRINGE episode?  Turning back the Wheel of Time doesn’t change the fact that Mike and I are meant for each other and hopefully through this outlet I will learn the virtue of patience.  Instead of focusing on the list of things to accomplish back when I was single I need to create new challenges and opportunities that reflect who I am as a person today.  I am a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister and I will continue to be a whole lot of things.  I will walk along the foot prints of my boys...